Struggling With My Decision To Be A Writer

UPDATE: It turns out this was much ado about nothing. I was worried about not being there for my family but it turns out they don't actually NEED me as much as they are just used to having me available. With a family this large, there is always drama of some kind on any given day. But little of it is actually an emergency that needs my attention and can't be put off until I finish writing for the day. Especially considering most of them are grown now.

That November was just one of those rare times when a bunch of them were having problems at the same time. And since they were all used to me dropping everything to listen and offer advice, they didn't think about how it was interrupting my writing. But once I spoke to them about it they understood. It took awhile (and numerous reminders for some) to get them used to the idea but it's working now.

As for the RA/Fibro flare ups, I'm learning to work around that too. I have the dragon software and I'm in the process of training it to understand my southern accent. Now, even on a bad pain day I can still write.

So yeah, it turns out I was being a drama queen and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. It looks like I CAN have it all. I just had to learn how to set boundaries.

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I'm not going to finish the 50,000 words for NaNo this month. I'm not even close to finishing. There has just been too many things that came up. I could have done it if I had made that a priority over my family.

But that's got me thinking. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a professional writer. Being a pro will mean meeting deadlines and it won't matter how much my family needed me or how bad my RA and Fibro was acting up. There can be no excuses when agents and publishers are counting on you to deliver.

And I knew that this month when I made the decisions to stop writing and be there for the various family members who needed my help. But I couldn't do anything else, not and be the person I am. I don't have it in me to say "I'm sorry you're (worried/upset/whatever) but I can't (help/listen/whatever) right now. I have a deadline to meet."

Maybe some people can stop the creative process for 30 minutes to an hour and go right back to it but I'm not one of them. After talking to a loved one who is upset, worried, or stressed out for a while, I usually am too. I feel their pain and stress and I can't easily get rid of it. And that makes it hard to clear my head and get back into creative mode to write. It doesn't help either that being upset or stressed, leads to a pain flare up (because of the RA and Fibro) for me. And pain also makes it difficult to write, not to mention the swollen wrists and fingers that comes with a flare up.

So here I sit, wondering if I've made the right decision to pursue a career in writing. Is there a balance and I'm just not finding it between writing and family? Is there some trick I don't know that can help me get back in creative mode easily? Some trick to help clear my mind?

I don't know. But I know being a writer feels right to me. Nothing else has ever called to me like this does. Except helping people who are upset or in trouble.

I've never been able to walk away from someone upset, even a stranger. So I know I don't have it in me to walk away from family when they're upset.

I've been blessed and haven't "needed" a job in sixteen years. So I've been able to walk away when there was a family/work conflict. I've been able to put family first in everything. And there was never a question if I was making the right choice. None of those jobs mattered to me. But writing does.

I don't think I'll ever stop writing whether I pursue a career out of it or not. I'll always write. But seeing my books on the shelves of Barnes and Noble one day has become important to me. In a way I didn't expect. And yet, I don't want that at the expense of being there for my family.

So here I sit, wondering about my decisions and trying to figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too.

Legends/Stories- Lost In Dreams (WIP)

LOST IN DREAMS was inspired by some local legends and stories. Of course, I took some artistic liberty with the stories and changed a few things, mostly the setting. I made all of them take place on one island instead of scattered throughout the area.

The island I chose for my setting is Beacon Island. It's a small island in the Pamlico Sound about 2 miles from Ocracoke Island. Most of Beacon Island is underwater at this time. Only a small section still stands and is a Brown Pelican Sanctuary.

In my story, the entire island still stands (the witches who live there kept it from sinking below the waves) and it's where the Croatoan Indian Tribe made their home. It is also where the Lost Colony Settlers went after they left Roanoke Island. The locations in the following legends and stories have been moved so that they all took place on Beacon Island.

Virginia Dare- The White Doe
Virginia Dare grew up among the Croatoan Indian Tribe to be a beautiful young woman. The shaman of the tribe, Chicamacomico (Chica) became infatuated with her. But Virginia loved another, a young warrior named Okisko. Chica grew jealous and decided if he couldn't have her, no one would. So he cast a spell on her, turning her into a pure white doe. Wanchese, the leader of the Roanoke Tribe, saw the white doe and wanted the skin. He offered a generous reward to anyone who would bring it to him. Warriors from many local tribes began to hunt the deer. Okisko, scared someone would harm his beloved, went to the shaman of the neighboring Chowanoke tribe to ask for help. The Chowanoke shaman was unable to change Virginia back but he gave Okisko the means to protect her. See, the red wolf was plentiful in this area in those days and the local Indians saw it as sacred. It would bring bad luck on your family for generations to harm a red wolf. So the shaman allowed Okisko to turn into a red wolf (but left his human soul inside him so he would continue to think as himself). When the hunters found the pure white deer, a red wolf was with her. It was standing so close to the deer, the hunters were afraid to take a shot for fear of hitting the wolf by accident. For many years, whenever the white doe would be seen, a red wolf would be seen as well. Always standing over the doe as if protecting her.

The Dismal Swamp Witch- Version 1
A powerful witch once lived in the Dismal Swamp. As often happens, the townsfolk were scared of her. After a particularly bad year, they decided that she was the cause and they went into the swamp to kill her. Their dogs chased her through the swamp for 3 days. Finally, exhausted she stopped to rest on an island in the middle of the swamp. She heard the dogs coming and knew she could no longer out run them, so she used the last of her strength and her magic to turn herself into a Cypress tree. When the townsfolk found the dogs circling an old tree, they gave up the chase and went home. The witch was never seen again but to this day an old Cypress tree stands on an island in the middle of the Dismal Swamp.

The Dismal Swamp Witch- Version 2 (usually told around a campfire in the Dismal Swamp)
Other's tell the story a little different. They say that the real story is that an evil shaman/magician was using his magic to lure the people in the area to him so he could use them as human sacrifices to expand his power. A good witch named Elizabeth (some say a relative or descendant of Virginia Dare) went out to the swamp to fight him. They battled but he was too strong for her to defeat so she used the last of her power to lock both of them into the old Cypress tree. The story says that one day, her magic will weaken and they will be released. According to the story, we’ll know the time is coming when her magic will fail when the wolves return to the area. (Usually during this story, someone is hiding in the woods with a tape recording of wolves howling and they play it at the end and the storyteller says something like “oh no, did you hear that? Her magic must be weakening. The evil shaman

could get loose tonight and kill us all in our sleep”)

Those are the 3 stories I mostly drew inspiration from for LOST IN DREAMS. A few other local stories and legends influenced it as well but these are the main ones that helped form the backstory and history of Beacon Island and the people who live there.

Lost In Dreams Main Characters (My WIP)

                 The Main Characters From Lost In Dreams

Ellissa: A 16 year old girl who moves back to the island of her birth after her mom dies. She finds a letter suggesting that her parents were planning to leave the island right before her dad died in order to keep her safe. Safe from what, she has no idea. But her mom did move them away right after her father's funeral and refused to come back. Even for a visit. Ellissa's grandfather, who is giving her the love and attention her mom never gave her, wants her to "carry on the family legacy" and become a witch hunter. There's just one problem, Ellissa is a witch herself. Although, a very reluctant witch. Ellissa hates everything to do with magic and the occult. Occult research is what kept her mom away from home and left Ellissa to take care of her brother and sister all the years they were away from the island. But when Ellissa has one of her "true dreams" and sees her brother and sister killed by magic in the future, she has no choice but to learn enough magic to keep them safe. In order to do this, she has to ask the one boy she's trying to avoid for help. Her feelings for Caleb scare her. They are too strong and too intense. So asking him for help is the last thing she wants to do. But she'll risk anything to save her brother and sister, even her heart.

Caleb: A 17 year old boy whose ancestors date back to the Croatoan Indian Tribe who lived on the island before the first colonists arrived in the new world. He's been raised on stories about an evil shaman who 400 years ago used mind magic to lure the people of the island into becoming human sacrifices. A powerful witch, with the help of a young Indian warrior, cast a spell to lock the shaman's spirit in a tree. But the spell holding him will only last 200 years and then the witch and the warrior have to be reborn to renew it. It's almost time to renew the spell for the 2nd time and somewhere the witch and warrior have been reborn. Caleb's people are on a search to discover who it is. When Ellissa asks him for help, he jumps at the chance. His attraction to her is strong and anything that helps him get to know her better is a good thing in his eyes. He has no idea how much his loyalty to his people is about to be tested.

Being Me... ALL of me

This is a re-post from my old blog in 2010 but It's just as important today as it was then. And frankly, I need the reminder. I have found myself slipping back into the old pattern of losing myself in only one aspect of my personality and forgetting to nourish the others.



I AM- My Personal Collage


Here is the original blog entry:


I'm not just a mom, or just a writer, or just an artist. I'm all of those things and much more. But sometimes I get so caught up in being ONE of them that I forget to be the others. My life gets out of balance and I start to forget who I really am.

And that balance is really important. It makes me a better mom, a better writer, a better artist... a better everything.

If all I ever do is write, what will I write about? What will give me inspiration? You have to experience life to write about it.

If all I ever do are mom things, I'll start to feel overwhelmed and under appreciated. I'll become grouchy. And a grouchy me... well, that's not good for anyone.

But the balance, when I manage to keep it balanced, makes for a happier me. And that makes me a better mom, writer, artist, everything.

So I guess the question is... How am I going to keep my life balanced? How am I going to be ME... ALL of ME?

To be honest, I'm not completely sure. But the first step is to remind myself of who I am. All the different facets of my personality.

At a writing conference I attended, one of the presenters suggested making a character collage to help remind you of all the facets of your character's personality so they don't become flat cookie cutter characters. I figured if it would work with characters, maybe it'll work for me too.

Because let's face it, I feel like I've become a flat cookie cutter character lately. And who wants that? It makes for boring characters and it makes for a boring Kim too.

So I made a Kimber Collage. You can see it above. It has all the different facets of my personality included. Maybe even some that'll surprise you.

I'm going to hang that picture up near my computer as a reminder to myself to keep being me... ALL of me.



UPDATE: This picture never made up on my wall. My computer USB ports failed (ALL of them if you can believe that- what are the odds of that happening) and my printer will no longer work so it's never been printed. Hopefully, soon I'll be able to afford a new computer and can hang this up where I'll see it every day.

You can read the original entry/see the original comments HERE.



Welcome

Welcome to my imagination. There's no telling what might find it's way onto these pages. Posts about writing, art, being a mom, or just having fun and finding joy and inspiration in the world around you... It all depends on where my imagination leads.

But first, a little about me for anyone who wanders across this and is brave/ bored enough to peek into my mind. If you found this blog from one of my old blogs or know me, you can skip this post. Nothing has really changed (at least not for the purpose of this introduction/background information).

I love doing anything creative but get bored easily. I have been back to college quite a few times and had 7 different majors. I've accumulated enough credit hours to have at least 3 degrees by now but never enough credits in any ONE field to actually get a degree. The only thing I really have to show for any of them is my Substitute Teaching Certificate. It isn't that I didn't enjoy the classes, I did! But none of them seemed to fit.  I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Until Now. I've finially figured out what I want to be and the bonus is... I don't even have to grow up! In fact, thinking like a child is a plus in my chosen field.

I've made up stories for as long as I can remember. Once I had children, my storytelling went into overdrive. I would make up stories to entertain them in the car, to teach them certain morals or values, or to help explain certain things. I love making up stories but it never really occured to me to become a children's writer. Well, that's not completely true. It occured to me but I didn't really think it was possible. I thought of being a writer the same way I thought of being a rock star... a wonderful dream but not really based in reality.

Then I started taking some classes on writing and found my perfect fit. I've found something I'm not only good at but something I enjoy. And I don't get bored because every story is different.

I have a great husband who puts up with my artistic temperment, my Irish temper, and my flair for the dramatic usually without batting an eye. He loves me in spite of the fact that I drive him crazy on a regular basis. Or maybe he loves me because of it, who knows.  At any rate, I'm thankful for him and can't begin to express in words how much he means to me.

I almost have enough kids to start my own baseball team. No, I didn't give birth to all of them (Thank Goodness!). Some of them are mine biologically, some are adopted, and some I've "collected" over the years. Some of them lived with us for a while and some never did but still became a part of the family. They are all wonderful and I'm blessed to have each and every one of them. They make my life complete.

So join me if you want and we'll see where my imagination takes us together.