Thursday, November 29, 2012
Struggling With My Decision To Be A Writer
UPDATE: It turns out this was much ado about nothing. I was worried about not being there for my family but it turns out they don't actually NEED me as much as they are just used to having me available. With a family this large, there is always drama of some kind on any given day. But little of it is actually an emergency that needs my attention and can't be put off until I finish writing for the day. Especially considering most of them are grown now.
That November was just one of those rare times when a bunch of them were having problems at the same time. And since they were all used to me dropping everything to listen and offer advice, they didn't think about how it was interrupting my writing. But once I spoke to them about it they understood. It took awhile (and numerous reminders for some) to get them used to the idea but it's working now.
As for the RA/Fibro flare ups, I'm learning to work around that too. I have the dragon software and I'm in the process of training it to understand my southern accent. Now, even on a bad pain day I can still write.
So yeah, it turns out I was being a drama queen and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. It looks like I CAN have it all. I just had to learn how to set boundaries.
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I'm not going to finish the 50,000 words for NaNo this month. I'm not even close to finishing. There has just been too many things that came up. I could have done it if I had made that a priority over my family.
But that's got me thinking. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a professional writer. Being a pro will mean meeting deadlines and it won't matter how much my family needed me or how bad my RA and Fibro was acting up. There can be no excuses when agents and publishers are counting on you to deliver.
And I knew that this month when I made the decisions to stop writing and be there for the various family members who needed my help. But I couldn't do anything else, not and be the person I am. I don't have it in me to say "I'm sorry you're (worried/upset/whatever) but I can't (help/listen/whatever) right now. I have a deadline to meet."
Maybe some people can stop the creative process for 30 minutes to an hour and go right back to it but I'm not one of them. After talking to a loved one who is upset, worried, or stressed out for a while, I usually am too. I feel their pain and stress and I can't easily get rid of it. And that makes it hard to clear my head and get back into creative mode to write. It doesn't help either that being upset or stressed, leads to a pain flare up (because of the RA and Fibro) for me. And pain also makes it difficult to write, not to mention the swollen wrists and fingers that comes with a flare up.
So here I sit, wondering if I've made the right decision to pursue a career in writing. Is there a balance and I'm just not finding it between writing and family? Is there some trick I don't know that can help me get back in creative mode easily? Some trick to help clear my mind?
I don't know. But I know being a writer feels right to me. Nothing else has ever called to me like this does. Except helping people who are upset or in trouble.
I've never been able to walk away from someone upset, even a stranger. So I know I don't have it in me to walk away from family when they're upset.
I've been blessed and haven't "needed" a job in sixteen years. So I've been able to walk away when there was a family/work conflict. I've been able to put family first in everything. And there was never a question if I was making the right choice. None of those jobs mattered to me. But writing does.
I don't think I'll ever stop writing whether I pursue a career out of it or not. I'll always write. But seeing my books on the shelves of Barnes and Noble one day has become important to me. In a way I didn't expect. And yet, I don't want that at the expense of being there for my family.
So here I sit, wondering about my decisions and trying to figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too.
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Kimber, don't beat yourself up for not finishing NaNo this past month. The whole exercise is merely a writing challenge, and for you, it proved that your family is more important than that challenge.
ReplyDeleteWhat it may really have shown you is that you're still a writer but not a novelist. There's a big difference in definitions there. Short fiction, essays, fiction for young children, etc., may be your forte ans part of your answer about writing.
There are ways of getting around the "not using your fingers" problem with the RA. Get yourself a DRAGON and teach it to take your dictation. That is one reason why it was designed in the first place.
Use those upsets brought to you from others to form a short story, work on a memoir piece, or whatever it takes--poetry is fabulous for this--to release the distress you're left with. It helps to clear your head, produces something you might be able to sell, and can help eliminate the guilt produced by thinking you haven't gotten any writing done.
All of these techniques come to you from personal experience. After denying my writing for most of my life, I came back determined to make it work. It's amazing how much usable copy can go down for use in 15 minutes while the kids are getting ready for school.
We each must answer to our own demons or angels, as the case may be. You write too well to throw it away entirely. Perhaps all you need is to restructure how you approach it.
Just thought you might want to know that you're not alone in the task shuffle of "real" life. If nothing else, get yourself a copy of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. It is an eye-opener.
You're doing well, considering all that you have to do, my young friend. Beware of that bath water. That lump in there may be important.
Thanks, Clauds. The Dragon is a great idea. As is the the short story or poetry to clear my mind. I'll try that. I'll look for that book you mentioned too. :)
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